jaane kya chahe mann...

Jaane kya chahe mann…bawara…

I love the rains…not only the pitter patter and the smell of the wet tress and wet soil,
What I really like is the way it makes me feel….it makes me long for something….
They way the earth receives the rain and gets soaked in it...I want to be soaked, to be filled with something....
I want to go out there and get wet…get drenched…That feeling of being able to let go of all inhibitions and hesitations, to let the sky pour it self on me....


This longing…this very strong craving in it self is something….. I like it and there are only very few things that can make me feel this way…

I some times feel very strongly the need to be possessed…to be consumed by something... Maybe a passion, maybe a cause, maybe a responsibility, or a job? Or a hobby? I don’t know?
I feel incomplete….I want that something that touches me real deep...that shakes my very being…that possesses me completely…that drenches my soul..like the rain….
That something that I can be really passionate about….that gives meaning to everything I do.
I want to paint…to be able to colour my feelings and give shapes to my thoughts…, I want to sing…words and tunes that come from the depths of me…., I want to dance a dance that will possess my body and mind…I want to learn pottery…I want to write poetry….I want to act...I want to travel…I want to do all these things, though I am not good at any of these J...but at the bottom of it all, I am really only wanting to find that one thing that will make me feel passionate…make me feel fulfilled, thrilled …

Sometimes, I have experienced that passion, that feeling of letting go and being possessed, in bits and pieces.

Recently, I went for a trek with my sister. It was truly an exhilarating experience.
Climbing those heights, thinking of nothing but the next step….step by step conquering the physical pain and the mountains…the feeling of achievement when I look back at the distance covered. And it’s not the distance or the height that I have conquered, it is my own limitations that I have conquered. The oneness with the nature around .. …experiencing nature with all my senses, mind flooded with smells of the forest, my hands always reaching out to feel a rock, or the bark of a tree, or the velvet of a leaf…wanting to capture every sight…and experiencing the silence and stillness of the mountains…and the noises of the forests. This experience was something…it did make me feel somewhat close to that feeling that I crave for…it has also changed me…in ways that I may not understand…

Then there was this night that I went dancing in a disc in Hyderabad with my cousin. After downing a couple of cocktails, we hit the dance floor...and totally ruled it for the next couple of hours. The spirits helped…or else I would not have been able to feel free and let go of my inhibitions…but it was great fun. The experience was truly exciting... I had never really felt “excited” before. There is nothing that I thought of on that dance floor, only surrendered myself to the music and let it possess me.

Sometimes it is just a conversation with a friend or a sibling, that leaves me feeling so very fulfilled.

Sometimes it is the love I feel for someone, that drenches my being and wets me to the core.

These are experiences that help me to get in touch with something deep within me...these are experiences that help me see myself as I have never seen before...through these experiences, I meet myself.

... I hope my journey is filled with many more such experiences ….

and at the end of it all, I can say that I have lived.