home....
My mom says I have come home "in the real meaning of coming home" after 10 long years. she has her own astrological theory about it.
Though I argued with her and made her recollect all the times that I had visited in the last 10 years, in my heart i know she is right in more than one ways.
This time it really feels like "coming home".
Feels like coming home to my family...
feels like coming home to myself.
other times..the numerous visits to ranchi...were merely sleepwalks, now i feel.
i dont want to get into how it was then....but am surely happy about how it is now.
this feels good. truely relaxing.
and this is good mainly because "I am here"..in this moment...
not entangled in my past or wondering about my future.
I am enjoying my stay here because I am wholeheartedly "at home".
i am at home with myself....with my past with whatever that is in store for me in the future...
Friday, August 29, 2008
jaane kya chahe mann...
Jaane kya chahe mann…bawara…
I love the rains…not only the pitter patter and the smell of the wet tress and wet soil,
What I really like is the way it makes me feel….it makes me long for something….
They way the earth receives the rain and gets soaked in it...I want to be soaked, to be filled with something....
I want to go out there and get wet…get drenched…That feeling of being able to let go of all inhibitions and hesitations, to let the sky pour it self on me....
This longing…this very strong craving in it self is something….. I like it and there are only very few things that can make me feel this way…
I some times feel very strongly the need to be possessed…to be consumed by something... Maybe a passion, maybe a cause, maybe a responsibility, or a job? Or a hobby? I don’t know?
I feel incomplete….I want that something that touches me real deep...that shakes my very being…that possesses me completely…that drenches my soul..like the rain….
That something that I can be really passionate about….that gives meaning to everything I do.
I want to paint…to be able to colour my feelings and give shapes to my thoughts…, I want to sing…words and tunes that come from the depths of me…., I want to dance a dance that will possess my body and mind…I want to learn pottery…I want to write poetry….I want to act...I want to travel…I want to do all these things, though I am not good at any of these J...but at the bottom of it all, I am really only wanting to find that one thing that will make me feel passionate…make me feel fulfilled, thrilled …
Sometimes, I have experienced that passion, that feeling of letting go and being possessed, in bits and pieces.
Recently, I went for a trek with my sister. It was truly an exhilarating experience.
Climbing those heights, thinking of nothing but the next step….step by step conquering the physical pain and the mountains…the feeling of achievement when I look back at the distance covered. And it’s not the distance or the height that I have conquered, it is my own limitations that I have conquered. The oneness with the nature around .. …experiencing nature with all my senses, mind flooded with smells of the forest, my hands always reaching out to feel a rock, or the bark of a tree, or the velvet of a leaf…wanting to capture every sight…and experiencing the silence and stillness of the mountains…and the noises of the forests. This experience was something…it did make me feel somewhat close to that feeling that I crave for…it has also changed me…in ways that I may not understand…
Then there was this night that I went dancing in a disc in Hyderabad with my cousin. After downing a couple of cocktails, we hit the dance floor...and totally ruled it for the next couple of hours. The spirits helped…or else I would not have been able to feel free and let go of my inhibitions…but it was great fun. The experience was truly exciting... I had never really felt “excited” before. There is nothing that I thought of on that dance floor, only surrendered myself to the music and let it possess me.
Sometimes it is just a conversation with a friend or a sibling, that leaves me feeling so very fulfilled.
Sometimes it is the love I feel for someone, that drenches my being and wets me to the core.
These are experiences that help me to get in touch with something deep within me...these are experiences that help me see myself as I have never seen before...through these experiences, I meet myself.
... I hope my journey is filled with many more such experiences ….
and at the end of it all, I can say that I have lived.
I love the rains…not only the pitter patter and the smell of the wet tress and wet soil,
What I really like is the way it makes me feel….it makes me long for something….
They way the earth receives the rain and gets soaked in it...I want to be soaked, to be filled with something....
I want to go out there and get wet…get drenched…That feeling of being able to let go of all inhibitions and hesitations, to let the sky pour it self on me....
This longing…this very strong craving in it self is something….. I like it and there are only very few things that can make me feel this way…
I some times feel very strongly the need to be possessed…to be consumed by something... Maybe a passion, maybe a cause, maybe a responsibility, or a job? Or a hobby? I don’t know?
I feel incomplete….I want that something that touches me real deep...that shakes my very being…that possesses me completely…that drenches my soul..like the rain….
That something that I can be really passionate about….that gives meaning to everything I do.
I want to paint…to be able to colour my feelings and give shapes to my thoughts…, I want to sing…words and tunes that come from the depths of me…., I want to dance a dance that will possess my body and mind…I want to learn pottery…I want to write poetry….I want to act...I want to travel…I want to do all these things, though I am not good at any of these J...but at the bottom of it all, I am really only wanting to find that one thing that will make me feel passionate…make me feel fulfilled, thrilled …
Sometimes, I have experienced that passion, that feeling of letting go and being possessed, in bits and pieces.
Recently, I went for a trek with my sister. It was truly an exhilarating experience.
Climbing those heights, thinking of nothing but the next step….step by step conquering the physical pain and the mountains…the feeling of achievement when I look back at the distance covered. And it’s not the distance or the height that I have conquered, it is my own limitations that I have conquered. The oneness with the nature around .. …experiencing nature with all my senses, mind flooded with smells of the forest, my hands always reaching out to feel a rock, or the bark of a tree, or the velvet of a leaf…wanting to capture every sight…and experiencing the silence and stillness of the mountains…and the noises of the forests. This experience was something…it did make me feel somewhat close to that feeling that I crave for…it has also changed me…in ways that I may not understand…
Then there was this night that I went dancing in a disc in Hyderabad with my cousin. After downing a couple of cocktails, we hit the dance floor...and totally ruled it for the next couple of hours. The spirits helped…or else I would not have been able to feel free and let go of my inhibitions…but it was great fun. The experience was truly exciting... I had never really felt “excited” before. There is nothing that I thought of on that dance floor, only surrendered myself to the music and let it possess me.
Sometimes it is just a conversation with a friend or a sibling, that leaves me feeling so very fulfilled.
Sometimes it is the love I feel for someone, that drenches my being and wets me to the core.
These are experiences that help me to get in touch with something deep within me...these are experiences that help me see myself as I have never seen before...through these experiences, I meet myself.
... I hope my journey is filled with many more such experiences ….
and at the end of it all, I can say that I have lived.
in a manner of speaking...
met an old college friend yesterday. After a quick lunch we sat in her car and talked for a while - about 3 hours maybe. At the end of those three hours, both of us realised that we had talked only about one thing - relationships, her relationships, my relationships...our relationship, etc. I feel both of us were only trying to understand our relationships better, by talking about them. Maybe, everytime I talk about any relationship, I am only trying to understand it better for myslef, than to really talk about it for any other reason. Why are relationships so complicated? Were they always so complicated?
Complicated or not, we cannot live without them.
I cannot imagine what meaning would my life have, if I did not have these precious people to share it with.
Today for no real reason (and that's how it should be perhaps), I feel a great sense of gratitude towards all those who are a part of my life. God has been very kind, as I have come across some realy wonderful people. People who have enriched my life and who I have loved dearly. I have lived with them. I have experienced life...with them, through them.
From my parents, my siblings, to my uncles, aunts, cousins, my school friends, my teachers, my college friends, colleagues, my crushes :-) , they are all so special ...and I have such beautiful, some amusing, some touching , some painful some loving memories of them.
There are also some relationships that have no name, have no definition, and inspite of this seemingly ambiguous nature, they are the most simple and most fulfilling at times. There are no spelled out and discussed or demanded commitments, but there are naturally heart-felt commitments. There is no name, but a strange kind of oneness. The best thing about this relationship is that it is so very natural and pure. Anything about it - is natural, is pure. This relationship has been liberating, that probably that is what keeps me bound to it. It helps me understand myself better. It helps me grow.
ANd then, sometimes there is a need to define it, to give it a name and that thing of insuring it against anything bad. Then I grope with the obvious, available tags and try to give it a tag...and the need to do so is born out of some insecurity. But then I realise, I might end up killing the very essense of this relatiohship. There can be no name. It is felt and understood deep within, and deep within, there are no names. And by giving it a name, I may actually limit the scope of this relationship, which is otherwise infinite. :-)
I also feel at times, that in the world that we have created, which is so obsessed about putting things in order, giving names, thoerizing, defining things...in this world, that we live in, ...the way that we really feel, might have to be sacrified.
Here is a song from me to you.
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=BEWQsKF5cFs
Love.
Complicated or not, we cannot live without them.
I cannot imagine what meaning would my life have, if I did not have these precious people to share it with.
Today for no real reason (and that's how it should be perhaps), I feel a great sense of gratitude towards all those who are a part of my life. God has been very kind, as I have come across some realy wonderful people. People who have enriched my life and who I have loved dearly. I have lived with them. I have experienced life...with them, through them.
From my parents, my siblings, to my uncles, aunts, cousins, my school friends, my teachers, my college friends, colleagues, my crushes :-) , they are all so special ...and I have such beautiful, some amusing, some touching , some painful some loving memories of them.
There are also some relationships that have no name, have no definition, and inspite of this seemingly ambiguous nature, they are the most simple and most fulfilling at times. There are no spelled out and discussed or demanded commitments, but there are naturally heart-felt commitments. There is no name, but a strange kind of oneness. The best thing about this relationship is that it is so very natural and pure. Anything about it - is natural, is pure. This relationship has been liberating, that probably that is what keeps me bound to it. It helps me understand myself better. It helps me grow.
ANd then, sometimes there is a need to define it, to give it a name and that thing of insuring it against anything bad. Then I grope with the obvious, available tags and try to give it a tag...and the need to do so is born out of some insecurity. But then I realise, I might end up killing the very essense of this relatiohship. There can be no name. It is felt and understood deep within, and deep within, there are no names. And by giving it a name, I may actually limit the scope of this relationship, which is otherwise infinite. :-)
I also feel at times, that in the world that we have created, which is so obsessed about putting things in order, giving names, thoerizing, defining things...in this world, that we live in, ...the way that we really feel, might have to be sacrified.
Here is a song from me to you.
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=BEWQsKF5cFs
Love.
missing...
I am missing something...someone..don't know what or whom exactly. Nothing, or no one in particular actually..
This strange kind of loneliness just creeps on me out of no where..suddenly in the middle of something...and I can't really understand it completely. I was watching a movie today - Juno - a light hearted movie about teenage pregnancy ...a well made movie...actually. I enjoyed the movie. These days I find tears in my eyes even in the slightest of all emotional scenes.
I feel somethings...I don't understand completely...but there is a lot within wanting to flow out....
I miss a lot of what I have experienced, and more than that, also a whole lot of that which I have not experienced, but long for..
Sometimes it gets difficult to remain positive, optimistic. This wait is just too long....
They say there is light At the end of each tunnel..
They say there is springAt the end of each winter..
They say there is hopeEven after all is over..
Yes maybe . Maybe there is light, spring , hope.But,
The tunnel is just too long..
Winter keeps getting worse..
And I see no hope.
But maybe. just maybe..There is light, There is spring..There is hope?They say time will heal..They say life is not such a raw deal
...maybe.
This strange kind of loneliness just creeps on me out of no where..suddenly in the middle of something...and I can't really understand it completely. I was watching a movie today - Juno - a light hearted movie about teenage pregnancy ...a well made movie...actually. I enjoyed the movie. These days I find tears in my eyes even in the slightest of all emotional scenes.
I feel somethings...I don't understand completely...but there is a lot within wanting to flow out....
I miss a lot of what I have experienced, and more than that, also a whole lot of that which I have not experienced, but long for..
Sometimes it gets difficult to remain positive, optimistic. This wait is just too long....
They say there is light At the end of each tunnel..
They say there is springAt the end of each winter..
They say there is hopeEven after all is over..
Yes maybe . Maybe there is light, spring , hope.But,
The tunnel is just too long..
Winter keeps getting worse..
And I see no hope.
But maybe. just maybe..There is light, There is spring..There is hope?They say time will heal..They say life is not such a raw deal
...maybe.
Memories
I watched a movie today - Mithya. It is about this struggling actor who without any effort, manages to get involved with 2 underworld gangs. He resembles Don of Gang X . Gang Y kills the original don and sends him to destroy the gang X. As fate would have it, after he joins Gang X as their don, he meets with an accident and suffers from amnesia. Gang X and its members (who think he is the original don ), including the original don's wife, kids look after him, hoping he will recover. Now, this guy doesnt remember a thing, he doesnt remember that he is not a don. He believes in whatever he is told by the people around him. He starts to believe that it is his family and his children, and she is his wife. He starts to live the life of the original don.He became a good father...a father the kids could relate with. He became a good husband..more likeable, more loving than the orignal don.Why am I writing all this is....because it made me think...how important are my memories. I am me because of what I know of me....I know because of what I remember of me. If I had to wake up tomorrow morning not remembering anything..? would I still feel the same way about my job? would I still love my freinds & family like I do? If not ,then what? I am all of this...if all of this is erased then what will I be? sounds scary.It made me realize that I should be thankful for my memories..even the bad ones. Because since I have them, I can understand myself, I can understand why I react in certain ways to certain things...why I feel a certain way about something. Though some memories are very painful, so painful, that even today, it can make me cry bitterly for days. Sometimes, I dream them..and it hurts. But, they are such an important part of me. I keep wishing they would go away. But today I feel, that is not the right approach. I need to get over the feelings, the hurt associated with them, but I should not forget them, as I have lived them..and it is those moments that I have experienced have "made me". I am nothing but the times that I have lived..both good and bad.I am almost 28 years old. Today I thought very carefully about this phrase "28 years old".I have been around for 28 years - 10220 days - 245280 hrs. I have seen, heard, learnt, experienced, felt,grown, changed in every second of those 245280 hrs. A lot of this is stored in the conscious levels and a lot in those subconscious levels of my memory. And all of what is stored, makes me "me".I may not be very happy about some of my experiences, but am sure glad that I have my memories.
in love, we grow...
Paolo Coelho in his book "By the river Piedra I sat down and wept" writes -
"...and with love, there are no rules. Some may try to control their emotions and develop strategies for their behavior; others may turn to reading books of advice from "experts" on relationships - but this is all folly. The hearts decides, and what it decides is all that really matters.
All of us have had this experience. At some point, we have each said through our tears. " I'm suffering for a love thats not worth it." we suffer because we feel we are giving more than we receive. we suffer beacuse or love is going unrecognised. we suffer because we are unable to impose our own rules"
But ultimately there is no good reason for suffering, for in every love lies the seed of our growth. The more we love, the closer we come to spiritual experience. Those who are truely enlightened, those whose souls are illuminated by love, have been able to overcome all of the inhibitions and preconceptions of thier era. They have been able to sing, to laugh, and to pray out loud; they have danced and shared what Saint Paul called "the madness of saintliness." They have been joyful - because those who love conquer the world and have no fear of loss. True love is an act of total surrender."
..for in every love lies the seed of our growth...
Yes maybe everytime we love, we learn to love...a little more selflessly...a little more wholeheartedly, a little more lovingly...and we grow...
"...and with love, there are no rules. Some may try to control their emotions and develop strategies for their behavior; others may turn to reading books of advice from "experts" on relationships - but this is all folly. The hearts decides, and what it decides is all that really matters.
All of us have had this experience. At some point, we have each said through our tears. " I'm suffering for a love thats not worth it." we suffer because we feel we are giving more than we receive. we suffer beacuse or love is going unrecognised. we suffer because we are unable to impose our own rules"
But ultimately there is no good reason for suffering, for in every love lies the seed of our growth. The more we love, the closer we come to spiritual experience. Those who are truely enlightened, those whose souls are illuminated by love, have been able to overcome all of the inhibitions and preconceptions of thier era. They have been able to sing, to laugh, and to pray out loud; they have danced and shared what Saint Paul called "the madness of saintliness." They have been joyful - because those who love conquer the world and have no fear of loss. True love is an act of total surrender."
..for in every love lies the seed of our growth...
Yes maybe everytime we love, we learn to love...a little more selflessly...a little more wholeheartedly, a little more lovingly...and we grow...
Familiarity
Familiarity....
"Familiarity can breed contempt, familiarity can be comforting...."..another line I can add to my writing "Ever thought"
Familiarity of someone's voice..can be very comforting..can give a feeling of "coming home".
Familiarity of the lanes of your hometown, of the people, of the school building, can be very comforting as well. And I am not talking about nostalgia here. I am talking about that feeling of "belongingness". I am talking about that feeling you want to come home to...
Like my Dad was so in love with our 2 door herald car. It was not that it was the greatest car then. But it was "his" car. He new that car, the car responded to him. He could communicate with the car. Though for very long it gave us a lot of trouble, he never really wanted to sell it. Eventually we did sell it and bought a new generation car, but it was never tha same for him again. THe new car was just another car. There was no relation there, there was no familiarity.
Sometimes, I find my self knowingly instigating my mom to hear her scoldings....the same scoldings that I once found very irritating. I do this cos somewhere , it makes me feel good..the familiarity of her scoldings....makes me feel "at home".
In this world, where everything is changing so fast and so much, a bit of familiarity can be very comforting, and re-assuring.
There may come a stage in a relationship, when the voice of the other person...even when he/she is saying things that you may not want to hear...is comforting. You may not be interested in the content of the talks, but may want to just go on hearing him/her talk..cos its comforting, it is reassuring.
WE crave for that familiarity. And when you start to crave for that familiarity of someone or something..you know it is special.
But there are also times, when this familiarity breeds contempt.
When a relationship starts to feel like a drag...like a routine, too familiar perhaps....when you stop looking forward to things, when you start finding faults..when you start to find reasons to avoid.....all is not fine. THis is maybe a case of familiarity breeding contempt.
Why in some relationships, familiarity is comforting and in some it is not? I dont know.
So, we crave for that familiarity, for the feeling of "coming home to"...and at the same time...we crave for "new",for "different", for the "unfamiliar". And when we do experience that "unfamiliar"..it is thrilling at times, it feels different and it may feel good...it may also be otherwise at times...it can be scary too :-) . I guess somewhere that child within us wants to experince new thimgs, to explore while he knows that his mom is watching over him. THe child that wanders away from mom....and keeps looking back at her...to make sure she is watching him..and he keeps exploring. In his explorations, if he hurts himself...he comes running back into the arms of his mom. Maybe, we adults too want to keep exploring, keep experiencing something different, something new, while keep coming back to what is familiar and what is comforting. In the process maybe we create many more such "familiar grounds", such "comfort zones"...
So our ship needs those deep anchors to sail great distances...to explore new lands. Some relationships or places or thoughts or anything for that matter, may become those anchors. While some may add to the list of "different experiences"..that one may cherish or regret.
"Familiarity can breed contempt, familiarity can be comforting...."..another line I can add to my writing "Ever thought"
Familiarity of someone's voice..can be very comforting..can give a feeling of "coming home".
Familiarity of the lanes of your hometown, of the people, of the school building, can be very comforting as well. And I am not talking about nostalgia here. I am talking about that feeling of "belongingness". I am talking about that feeling you want to come home to...
Like my Dad was so in love with our 2 door herald car. It was not that it was the greatest car then. But it was "his" car. He new that car, the car responded to him. He could communicate with the car. Though for very long it gave us a lot of trouble, he never really wanted to sell it. Eventually we did sell it and bought a new generation car, but it was never tha same for him again. THe new car was just another car. There was no relation there, there was no familiarity.
Sometimes, I find my self knowingly instigating my mom to hear her scoldings....the same scoldings that I once found very irritating. I do this cos somewhere , it makes me feel good..the familiarity of her scoldings....makes me feel "at home".
In this world, where everything is changing so fast and so much, a bit of familiarity can be very comforting, and re-assuring.
There may come a stage in a relationship, when the voice of the other person...even when he/she is saying things that you may not want to hear...is comforting. You may not be interested in the content of the talks, but may want to just go on hearing him/her talk..cos its comforting, it is reassuring.
WE crave for that familiarity. And when you start to crave for that familiarity of someone or something..you know it is special.
But there are also times, when this familiarity breeds contempt.
When a relationship starts to feel like a drag...like a routine, too familiar perhaps....when you stop looking forward to things, when you start finding faults..when you start to find reasons to avoid.....all is not fine. THis is maybe a case of familiarity breeding contempt.
Why in some relationships, familiarity is comforting and in some it is not? I dont know.
So, we crave for that familiarity, for the feeling of "coming home to"...and at the same time...we crave for "new",for "different", for the "unfamiliar". And when we do experience that "unfamiliar"..it is thrilling at times, it feels different and it may feel good...it may also be otherwise at times...it can be scary too :-) . I guess somewhere that child within us wants to experince new thimgs, to explore while he knows that his mom is watching over him. THe child that wanders away from mom....and keeps looking back at her...to make sure she is watching him..and he keeps exploring. In his explorations, if he hurts himself...he comes running back into the arms of his mom. Maybe, we adults too want to keep exploring, keep experiencing something different, something new, while keep coming back to what is familiar and what is comforting. In the process maybe we create many more such "familiar grounds", such "comfort zones"...
So our ship needs those deep anchors to sail great distances...to explore new lands. Some relationships or places or thoughts or anything for that matter, may become those anchors. While some may add to the list of "different experiences"..that one may cherish or regret.
convictions or convinience ?
How often we live our lives out of convinience and not convictions...
More often than not, convinience takes over convictions. Living out of convictions is not always easy...most of the times it is very inconvinient.
Mostly, I do not litter around. I do not carelessly throw garbage around. I do pause and look for a dustbin or a heap of garbage to add to it, instead of dirtying an otherwise clean surrounding. But what do I do when there is no garbage heap or a dusbin, or any such other place in sight? and to add to it if it is inconvinient to carry the garbage aroun with me?..I mostly throw it in a corner or toss it in a drain. Somtimes I do put it in my bag, to throw it later at a more appropriate place..if it is something I can carry around in my bag. But if it is more than a little inconvinient, I do what my conviction otherwise does not allow me to do. ....Then is it really a conviction? I am not really living by it.
This was a very small, mundane example....but the same phenomena can be projected on to bigger and more consequential things in life...
Sometimes I hear myself saying - Ya Ya I know...but then....just this time...this is an exceptional case....the situation is different.....right now there is more at stake....I need to take care of something more important....and several other such pretentious ways to justify whatever it is that I know is not done....
We dont want to look bad to ourselves...so we pretned even to ourselves, and fool our selves...but then..whom are we really fooling?
What does it take to live a live truly out of ones convictions? I dont know..a lot of inner strength maybe.....
Just a thought..what happens when two convictions are contradictory to each other..what does one do then.?..
More often than not, convinience takes over convictions. Living out of convictions is not always easy...most of the times it is very inconvinient.
Mostly, I do not litter around. I do not carelessly throw garbage around. I do pause and look for a dustbin or a heap of garbage to add to it, instead of dirtying an otherwise clean surrounding. But what do I do when there is no garbage heap or a dusbin, or any such other place in sight? and to add to it if it is inconvinient to carry the garbage aroun with me?..I mostly throw it in a corner or toss it in a drain. Somtimes I do put it in my bag, to throw it later at a more appropriate place..if it is something I can carry around in my bag. But if it is more than a little inconvinient, I do what my conviction otherwise does not allow me to do. ....Then is it really a conviction? I am not really living by it.
This was a very small, mundane example....but the same phenomena can be projected on to bigger and more consequential things in life...
Sometimes I hear myself saying - Ya Ya I know...but then....just this time...this is an exceptional case....the situation is different.....right now there is more at stake....I need to take care of something more important....and several other such pretentious ways to justify whatever it is that I know is not done....
We dont want to look bad to ourselves...so we pretned even to ourselves, and fool our selves...but then..whom are we really fooling?
What does it take to live a live truly out of ones convictions? I dont know..a lot of inner strength maybe.....
Just a thought..what happens when two convictions are contradictory to each other..what does one do then.?..
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