Seasons of the heart...

There was a time when I felt I had become numb. Emotionally. Nothing moved me. Engulfed by a cold indifference towards everything, everything seemed silly. No anger, no pain, no happiness, no nothing. I could watch movies (even the most romantic/or funny/or even horror) without moving a single facial muscle. Incapable of empathizing with other people and embarrassed by my coldness and indifference, I avoided talking to my friends when I knew they were sad . I couldn't react, I had nothing to say to them. I mostly emoted out of my mind..and not from my heart. Pretence came naturally. Almost nothing touched deep enough. This wasn't the real me and the prospect of going through life without being able to FEEL, did not seem very inviting. But I couldn't care less then...I was totally checked out.

This cold lasted a while (2005 end - mid 2008)...I think.

And then, on its own, my heart started to warm up again. Now, Little things make me ecstatic. I can feel the joy swell up in my heart at the sight of a pretty flower, or a smile, or rain....just anything that makes me even a teeny-weeny bit happy.

The i-lasik surgery (corrective surgery for the eyes) I underwent sometime back (2008), has not only just corrected my vision , but it seems to have enhanced (or amplified..lol) my other senses too ! I am suddenly so tuned IN to all that is happening around me, good and bad, happy and sad. The world is suddenly revealed to me in its splendid, variedly flavored , emotional spectrum, that I had turned blind and deaf to, a while ago.

I cannot watch horror movies now...and definitely not alone. My body and mind manage to sync in with the background score of all movies, and react accordingly. Akash likes watching WWF, wrestling programs on tv, but I cannot give him company, not without wincing at every blow !!

It feels silly sometimes, but I have become very very emotional. I try avoiding anything 'sad' now. I avoid sad movies, sad songs, cos they make me very sad !! An emotional scene can make me weep. I really only feel like watching the happy-ending chick flicks (though I do manage to shed a few tears towards the end), and l like to listen to only and only happy music.

I don't really know how or exactly when this change happened. I can think of only two possible explanations -

1. In May 2008 I had attended a 10 day Vipassana camp, followed by a 3 day trek into the Gharwal mountains in Uttarkashi. The combined experience of the two, had a profound impact on me. The absolute silence, the total abstinence from the outside world, changed me in ways I cannot explain or even understand.

2. My mom says that my kundali (horoscpe) states that I was to go through a very bad phase from 2001-2008 , and from 2008 may onwards, I was meant to be happy.

I dont know the whys and hows and it doesn't really matter...

For now, I am enjoying being emotional even if it seems silly. I am enjoying this free flow of different emotions. I feel alive.