I will…..will I?

Just how many times have I made a resolve, and shamefully watch it dissolve in a pool of excuses, reasons and really lame procrastinations. I have lost count of the number of times I have embarked upon this 7-day detoxification diet and disembarked at the first opportunity to eat the most sinful of items, like a pizza, or a pastry or chocolates! Gym memberships gone wasted, books bought but left abandoned in a carton box, blog posts started but left unfinished, recipes downloaded but never tried, those phone calls I should have made when it made sense,  the clumsy collection of music and movies that lies on my drive waiting to be sorted, the photographs I have been meaning to arrange in folders…and so on…..this really long list is a testimonial to how weak my determination is. Every time I do this, every time I break my resolve, or not do that little thing I meant to do then, I lose confidence in myself. I learn and re-learn, that I don’t stick to my plans.

Now, when I say to myself, “I will go for a jog tomorrow morning”, my own voice in my head sounds unsure. I know that I will find a reason to not go tomorrow morning for that jog, even when I am saying to myself that I will.

Sometimes, when there is something that I must do, really want to do, but am scared, that my procrastinating and lazy self will invariably find reasons for not doing, then,I make my plans public. I tell someone , whose opinion matters, about my plans. The fear of appearing lazy/weak in someway, to the other person, ensures that I do what I intent to do. Whatever works!

This is definitely not the way things should be. I hope I successfully change this behavior pattern for the better…and soon. I hope I sound much more confident about my plans in my head.I want to see my plan materialize. I want to be able to tick off the items from my “To Do” “Must Do” “Should Do” lists ( that have been sitting there since time immemorial) , and add new ones. Like the Nike ad says, “Just Do it”, I need to “just do it..”

This journey called life...

Since May 2008, I have not spent more than 2 whole months in one  location, without undertaking a journey to another city/country and not more than 6 months being based out of a single location. I have travelled to places like Pune, Nashik, Mumbai, Lonavala, Khandala, Jamnagar, Delhi, Diu, Dwarika, Lucknow, Jaipur, Dehradun, Dodi Taal, Ranchi, Kolkata, Kodai, Munnar, and some more in India, and places like New York, Las Vegas, Puerto Rico, California, Vermont, Washington, Chicago, Brookfield and some more in the USA. I have managed to travel in an assortment of different modes of travel, including a short cruise, boat ride, subways, express trains, 14 hour non-stop flights, an old Grand Marquis and my favorite, a Chevrolet Impala with a sun roof. I have witnessed different seasons in different places, tried different cuisines, and thoroughly enjoyed activities like, hiking, trekking, parasailing, water scooter, horse riding, biking, swimming, tower rides , played badminton, underwent a life-altering eye operation, spent 12 days at a naturopathy center ,even observed a 10-day absolute silence and sat in meditation for several hours at a stretch.

I have been going places ! Literally, even in this journey called life. Somewhere along the way, I joined hands with Akash, and together we undertook journeys even more exciting, and enriching.

Several times , I have thought about writing about my travels. I have wanted to record my experiences with the different people I have undertaken these journeys with. I have been tempted to record in details, the new and different things I have experienced. I have wanted to "bottle" the experience of each journey neatly, with proper labels, dates, details of flights,trains,cars etc , details of the different seasons in different places, my feelings and thoughts, and preserve them carefully on a shelf. But somehow, never got down to doing it, and now some of the memories are becoming distant and hazy. Before I lose these precious memories, I must carefully sort them and make an attempt to "bottle" them.

All this, not so much for the benefit of other readers, (I do not believe that my travel memoirs will be interesting enough or of any value to another person) but for mine own. For the 80 year old me. For me, when I am too old to undertake such excruciating journeys, and like other old people, do not have much to look forward to in the future, and mostly live by the memories of the past. For me, when I am sad and feel trapped or when I fail to see the good things in life. For the times that I maybe, in need, of being reminded, that just like these good times did not last forever, the bad times won't, and to know, that I have had good times. I have enjoyed, lived, travelled, played, laughed, loved and felt happy, excited, enthused and even felt lucky !

My journey started with my 28th birthday...I am now not only talking about the travels to different places, but also the journeys of my heart, of my mind and spirit.
My 28th birthday, was a very very significant one. It brought along with it, very powerful winds of change and suddenly after a very very long spell of loneliness, all of a sudden, there were celebrations, there was joy, togetherness, new destinations, important milestones, some defining moments, a few spiritual experiences and a whole new me.
I seemed to have grown wheels under my feet and wings to my heart.
:-)

My journey thus far -  in a nutshell.

Part I - May 2008 - to February 2009 - I like to refer to this time as 'the period of dvija' (dvija means re-birth), I will elaborate more on that in another post.
First half of this period, May 2008 to November 2008, I was based out of Bangalore but spent more time in and out of Ranchi (my hometown).  From November 2008 to February 2008, I can say I was based out of Ranchi. On February 15th, having bid farewell to my singlehood, hand in hand with my life partner, Akash, I embarked upon a lifetime journey...
Part II  - February 2009 - September 2009 - I will call this the period of  'the coming home' .
I was based mostly out of Bangalore. I had some wonderful times with my family during this period. New home, new bank account, new passport, new family, new destinations, and the end of this period saw the start of a yet another new journey as Mr. & Mrs. Akash.
Part III - September 2009 - September 2011. Lets call this the period of 'being glo-cal' . Now there are separate parts to this period.
1. Sept 2009 - January 2010. - Stamford.
2. February 2010 - June2010 - Brookfield.
3. June 2010 - September 2010 - Brookfield.




In the following few posts I will try to capture all that I can, part by part and bottle these times away....so that they are never forgotten.

Quest for the right camera.....continues...

Until  today morning both Akash and I were pretty much settled on buying a Digital Point and shoot with extended zoom. The question was which one?

One of the concerns for was also the camera's performance in low light / night mode.

Here the Digital SLR wins hands down.

None of the Digital Point and shoot cameras can boast of even reasonably good performance in low/very little light.

 

Now, just how important is high optical zoom? The advanced digital point and shoots can offer upto a 26X optical zoom - which sounds very very exciting.

But with he Digital SLR, one has to invest heavily in additional lenses for that kind of optical zoom.

 

But the dSLR shoots better in the night.

So which is more important?

zoom or better performance in night mode?

Quest for the right camera..

 

A Digital SLR or not? If not, then what could come close? (not in terms of the price, but in terms of picture quality).

We are not professionals. Photography is not even a real hobby for Akash or me. But, every once in a while, a lot of enthusiastic effort is put into clicking just the right mood, in the right light, the right angle....and when the results are not quite that good, its disappointing.  Anyone who has been on an outing with us will have a few good pictures to take back with them clicked by Akash, and will never fail to notice the amount of effort and thought he puts into clicking them. He deserves a good camera.

In today's times, such decisions can be mind-boggling. Too many to chose from and too much information, but never the kind of information that would make your decision making easier.

Technology can be very seducing at times. One tends to get carried away with technical specifications, special features, the hi-tech feel, the entire package... its very alluring I tell you...

Anyway's, am trying to help Akash make his choice. So here goes my finding ( am not a technical person, so just trying to make sense of the information available on the net.)

Why Digital SLR?

1. The ooomph factor.

2. Larger image sensors  means better shots.

3. Optical view finder - what you see is what you get..

4. Manual controls...easily accessible. Allows better control on the shots.

5. Adaptability - ability to change lenses opens up a world of possibilities for photographers.

6. Hold on the value - dSLR's are not upgraded as frequently as Digital point and shoots.

Why not a dSLR ?

1. Price. Even the beginners range is very expensive, and added to it the costs of its attachments and accessories.

2. Size and weight - can be bulky esp with its lenses.

3. Maintenance very high on time, effort and pocket. (esp the lenses)

4. Complexity - can be overwhelming and learning curve can be steep...dampening the fun a bit.

5. No live LCD.

6. Noisy - Some users have found that these cams are way too noisy at times, esp if you are trying to sneak in on someone to click them without their notice.

7. Does not really replace a point and shoot camera. Most dSLR owners also own a dP&S.

Why a Digital Point and Shoot -

1. Size and weight  - though the advanced dP&S with extended zooms, are also pretty bulky now, at least one need not carry additional lenses.

2. Much quieter than dSLRs.

3. Shoot comparatively well in auto mode - less complex.

(Makers of DSLR assume that the user will want to control and change settings manually, though they also have an auto mode, it is not built to take the best possible picture. To get the best picture quality,one has to play around with the controls, else no point of a dSLR. But in the case of a dP&S, the makers assume that the user will click mostly in the auto-mode, and thus it is built to give you the best possible result in that mode)

4. Price - affordable.

5. LCD framing– enable their users to take shots from different angles and still see what they’re shooting.

Why not a Digital Point & Shoot? - most arguments here are the reason you would buy a dSLR instead -

1. Image quality -  small image sensors means lower picture quality. Though - if the images are not meant for major enlargements or professional use, the dP&S quality is more than good enough for average household users.

2. Speed - notorious for slow start up, focus time and shutter lag.

3. Very small and useless or even none at all view finders - total reliance on the LCD frame.

4. Limited manual controls.- the controls are hidden in the menu which makes them difficult to access and user ends up clicking mostly in auto mode, rendering other controls useless.

5. Less adaptable - once bought, you are stuck with what you have. No additional lenses or attachments to enhance.

6. Value - the dP&S industry is constantly evolving and upgrading and coming up with better technology.

My verdict -

Tending towards Digital Point and Shoot.

Main reasons being - price, comfort and ease of use, and the fact that neither of us are that serious about photography. Our best shots will at the most make it to the desktop background on our laptops or to our digital picture frame.

And to me buying a Digital SLR does not make sense if one does not also invest in its different accessories and lenses, and make full fledged use of its main advantage over Point and Shoot, which are its adaptability and manual controls. There is not much point in using a dSLR for instant point and shoots.

So as much as I fancy using a dSLR, a more sensible choice would be a Digital Point and shoot for us.

So which one will it be Akash?

trivia....

This one is for you Akash....:-)

 

          1. The longest non-stop flight -

1) Singapore Changi Airport (SIN) to Newark Liberty International Airport (EWR)

18 hours, 30 minutes
Singapore Airlines

2) Newark Liberty International Airport (EWR) to Singapore Changi Airport (SIN)

18 hours, 30 minutes
Singapore Airlines

you guess it right :-)

 

2. The shortest flight -

Logan airways/British Airways flight 872, Westray-Papa Westray, Scotland,  - 2 minutes - covers 9 miles.

I bet you did not know this one.

 

3. The smallest nation -

1st. Vatican City   - 0.2 square miles -surrounded by Rome and Italy.

2nd. Monaco         - 0.7 square miles - along the French Riviera on the French Mediterranean coast near Nice.

9th. Seychelles     - 107 square miles - Indian Ocean island.

         10th. Maldives       - 115 square miles

 

         will be back with more.....

Seasons of the heart...

There was a time when I felt I had become numb. Emotionally. Nothing moved me. Engulfed by a cold indifference towards everything, everything seemed silly. No anger, no pain, no happiness, no nothing. I could watch movies (even the most romantic/or funny/or even horror) without moving a single facial muscle. Incapable of empathizing with other people and embarrassed by my coldness and indifference, I avoided talking to my friends when I knew they were sad . I couldn't react, I had nothing to say to them. I mostly emoted out of my mind..and not from my heart. Pretence came naturally. Almost nothing touched deep enough. This wasn't the real me and the prospect of going through life without being able to FEEL, did not seem very inviting. But I couldn't care less then...I was totally checked out.

This cold lasted a while (2005 end - mid 2008)...I think.

And then, on its own, my heart started to warm up again. Now, Little things make me ecstatic. I can feel the joy swell up in my heart at the sight of a pretty flower, or a smile, or rain....just anything that makes me even a teeny-weeny bit happy.

The i-lasik surgery (corrective surgery for the eyes) I underwent sometime back (2008), has not only just corrected my vision , but it seems to have enhanced (or amplified..lol) my other senses too ! I am suddenly so tuned IN to all that is happening around me, good and bad, happy and sad. The world is suddenly revealed to me in its splendid, variedly flavored , emotional spectrum, that I had turned blind and deaf to, a while ago.

I cannot watch horror movies now...and definitely not alone. My body and mind manage to sync in with the background score of all movies, and react accordingly. Akash likes watching WWF, wrestling programs on tv, but I cannot give him company, not without wincing at every blow !!

It feels silly sometimes, but I have become very very emotional. I try avoiding anything 'sad' now. I avoid sad movies, sad songs, cos they make me very sad !! An emotional scene can make me weep. I really only feel like watching the happy-ending chick flicks (though I do manage to shed a few tears towards the end), and l like to listen to only and only happy music.

I don't really know how or exactly when this change happened. I can think of only two possible explanations -

1. In May 2008 I had attended a 10 day Vipassana camp, followed by a 3 day trek into the Gharwal mountains in Uttarkashi. The combined experience of the two, had a profound impact on me. The absolute silence, the total abstinence from the outside world, changed me in ways I cannot explain or even understand.

2. My mom says that my kundali (horoscpe) states that I was to go through a very bad phase from 2001-2008 , and from 2008 may onwards, I was meant to be happy.

I dont know the whys and hows and it doesn't really matter...

For now, I am enjoying being emotional even if it seems silly. I am enjoying this free flow of different emotions. I feel alive.

Of Gender differences...

Why are men and women different?

A little about the history of "genders"....my theory..assimilated from my readings, National Geographic, Discovery....

When human beings came into existence...nature made male and female...to facilitate reproduction. But this male and female version of homo sapiens did not really look very different. I mean the men did not then have very different physical attributes than women, and vise versa. They only possessed the essential different reproductive organs. What I mean is that men did not have broader shoulders than women, women did not have softer voices than men, men did not have bigger nostrils and women did not have softer hands...so both men and women did not possess those specific physical attributes which make them look different. For example if you see a dog from a  distance can you make out whether it is male or female?..without looking at its reproductive parts? Similarly male and female homo sapiens looked similar...then. There were differences of course...females were different enough to attract males into mating..but the differences were not so obvious, they were more subtle. (think of the dogs again...male female...different but similar)

We have an idea of what life was like back then...it was about survival. Hunt and protect. Survive.

The reproductive system worked in such a way that it left the females incapacitated every month or during pregnancies and for a while following deliveries, to take part in many of the day to day activities, mainly hunting and gathering food. The human infant needed to be nursed for several years until it could take on the world by itself and help the family hunt and protect. So the mother was engaged in nursing.

Homo Sapiens were intelligent, and quickly figured out that a little bit of division of labor wouldn't hurt. So the females naturally were given responsibilities of the household stuff...which they could manage even while pregnant/nursing/menstruating, and the males took care of the hunting and the protecting.

Now we know that in the process of evolution of any organism, those parts of the organism, which are not needed  to survive or are not put into use, slowly die and the organism evolves and develops that which it needs to survive...(theory of natural selection).

Now, after this division of labor, as human life progressed and our species evolved, male and female gradually became more and more different emotionally and physically mainly as an outcome of this division of labor.

Since the males went to hunt, they developed and retained stronger muscles to chase their prey, broader shoulders to throw arrows or fight the prey, large ears to listen sharply to the noises of the jungle, bigger nostrils so they could breath in more oxygen for their lungs while running, coarser voices to scream at each other from big distances while they hunted in groups, and so on... Thus they evolved into beings we recognize as "men"...even from a distance.

The women on the other hand, developed softer hands, voices, facial features ...to nurse. They lost their muscular built, developed bigger hips, became shorter in height etc etc...

Hunters had to be quick, brutal, cruel, sharp...

Mothers had to be kind, genteel, nurturing...

Males and females gradually evolved into beings different physically, emotionally, mentally...

And now.....after zillions of years, now  Men are known to be "man-like" and woman to be "woman-like". But to me it seems the differences are slowly....very slowly....but gradually blurring.

Humans no longer need to hunt in the jungle....no longer need to engage in what we now call "extreme adventure sports" like activities on a daily basis....men are slowly losing their "man-ish" physical attributes. Division of labor is fast disappearing.

Men are becoming fairer, softer looking, cleaner, smoother, smaller, etc etc...and "broad shoulder, strong arms, tall, dark, husky voice, big nose, small eyes etc etc are becoming rare..and the only men we know who posses all of these physical attributes, are from silly romantic novels( mills and boons etc).

And women, who have now chosen to do what men do...not hunt, but earn a living, are becoming smarter..

If we take this theory a little further...then it seems that some zillion years from now, if our species is still around, me thinks, that males and females will not look very different from each other, or think very differently, or feel very differently. Demands of life are now such that both males and females can mostly equally manage. Roles are merging, capabilities are overlapping...

Of course, woman will still reproduce. But men wont need to hunt.