Illusions & Disillusions

Illusions , Disillusions

That which I thought gave me most joy
has brought along a world of pain.
Joy, Pain.
Pain? Joy?
The same which makes my heart smile
also makes my heart weep,
and, the thin line between pain and joy,
fades away.
Remembering yesterday's joys with a tear
greeting today's sorrow with a smile,
while trying to see what lies in tomorrow,
a painful smile? or,
tears of joy?

That which I thought was my greatest strength
has become my greatest weakness.
From where does this weakness derive its strength?

That which makes me stumble and lose control,
same, holds my hand and gives me hope.
Is this, that which is making me stagger and sway?
or, Is this, that which is giving my feet the strength
to move on, and
my hands the grip to hold on?

That which I thought was forever mine,
was never mine.
Is it enough to believe that something is yours,
is it enough to own it in your heart,
or is it not?
Like a mirage - now you believe you see it,
in that moment it is there
and is the answer to your prayers.
And then when you move closer, it is not there,
and you realise it was never there.
But in that one moment, was it not there?
It was so real....
So was that an illusion?
or is this an illusion?

That which was my pride,
is now a subject of ridicule.
What made me so proud?
same which today laughs and ridicules my pride?
and takes pride in my humiliation?

Some things cannot change today...
they are etched in the memories of yesterday.
Some things have changed today...
which tomorrow will not forget

Will there ever be joy without pain?
Will I ever smile without having to fight back tears?
Will I ever be strong again?
Will I ever hold something in my heart, again?
and not know no fears?
Will I ever be proud again?
and not fear humiliation?

Ever Thought ?

Ever Thought?

Knowledge can be power………Knowledge can be crippling
Ignorance can be a crime…Ignorance can be bliss
Togetherness can be fulfilling…Togetherness can be suffocating
Solitude can be frightening…Solitude can be peaceful
Dreams can be unreal…dreams can be a key to reality
Reality can be mundane…reality can be strange.
Truth always wins…but truth is not always a winner.
Lies can be harmful…lies can be saviors
Desires can be fuel…Desires can be hindrance
Expectations can be source of motivation…Expectations can be the source of frustrations.
Perfection can be beautiful…perfection can be discomforting
Imperfection can be ugly…imperfection can be endearing.
Memories can be an asset…memories can be burden
Forgiveness can be surrendering the right to vengeance…Forgiveness can be the sweetest revenge.

A little dramatic

A little dramatic..
Something I wrote long back...was just thinking about it recently....
woh gaya...kuch dhooan dhooan sa reh gaya
sab yahan - wahan, bikhra - bikhra sa reh gaya
woh gaya...mujhe tanha-tanha sa chod gaya
mujhe hairan sa chod gaya, kuch badla badla sa chod gaya
.
sab badal gaya...sab bikhar gaya...sab toot gaya...sab khatm ho gaya...
reh gaya ek soonapan...reh gayi kuch nishaniyan...
reh gaye khali raaste...reh gayi bas dooriyaan...
.
woh awaaz nahin hai par, goonj reh gayi hai...
kuch bacha nahin hai par, yaaden reh gayi hain...
umeed nahin hai par, dua-en reh gayi hain...
shikayat nahin hai par, sawaal reh gaye hain...
.
bandhan nahin hai par, rishte reh gaye hain...
intezar nahin hai par, sannate reh gaye hain......

This little dream of mine

Little dream of mine...
This lil dream of mine…

When the dark gets lonely,
When the silences speak…
When the memories haunt
And I feel weak…
I see no guiding light
I hear no soothing voices

When the vision gets blurred
When nothing makes sense
When nothing seems true
And I wonder what hence?
Have no shoulder to cry on..
I see no reasons to go on

But I hang on…
to a lil dream of mine

A happy home…a happy me..

A place I belong…
Where I am free..
I can be myself..
I can just be me

A spill of laughter..
And warmth of smiles…
A sense of togetherness
And many unknown miles…

Happy bright mornings
And cheerful days..
Busy weeks
And lazy Sundays..

A life full of life..
Free of the past..
Fresh, new…
Right from the start…

And so I hang on…
To this lil dream of mine..

Its Only you

It's only you...

Another one of those poems...I wrote once....when that one person that mattered the most was away...and it seemed like he wouldnt come back...and I wanted to tell him "it's only you..."

Oh you, its only you,its only you...oh you.

Its only you...
In the songs that I humIn my tunes there is none...
In my dreams and my days,In this world and its ways...
its only you...

Its only you...
In my smiles and my tearsIn my courage and my fears....
In my rhymes and my songs,In silly laughs and small wrongs..
its only you...

Its only you...
In bright yellow flowers,In twinkling far away stars,
In the pitter patter of the rains...In my joys and my pains...
its only you...

Its only you...
In the rainbows and the clouds..In my beliefs and my doubts...
In sparkling white snow,And in the morning glows...
its only you...

Its only you...
In yesterdays and tomorrows,In memories and sorrows...
In hope and in faith...In my reasons and my fate..
its only you...
In the crowds ... in loneliness...In my loneliness .... in solitude...In my solitude .... in every breath...In every breath .... in my prayers...In my prayers .... in my love...In my love and in me...In me....there is you....

its only you


There is something about reading these poems again..
Its nice to read something that reflects your state of mind at one point of time.
I have outgrown that state of mind, I have come a long way...but its nice to re-visit it at times...
the innocence and honestly of those feelings...

My Poems

There was a time when there were too many feelings that needed expression, but the right audiance had turned away. These feelings found their way into awkward writings or poems if i can so call them.
After many years now, those feelings have faded away, but memories remain.
Here i sthe first of them -


When I think of you...
Here I go again..I had never thought I would share these poems here...they are a little silly... little kiddish and very personal. But today I want to share them here in this space...

Maybe it means that I truly am over things now..I have moved on .. :-)
And it feels good :-)

This one is very dear to me....


when I think of you....

when I think of you...
I can see your smiling face
and feel your warm embrace.

when I think of you...
I can see you with a can of coke..
smiling at Raymond's joke.

When I think of you...
I can see you typing with amazig speed
and feel my heart skip a beat.

When I think of you...
I can see you driving our car
and you seem not so far.

When I think of you...
I can see you scratch your lip
and my whole self seems to slip from my grip.

When I think of you...
I can feel you hold me tight
and everything seems to be allright.

When I think of you...
I can inhale you, taste you,
feel you...
and in that moment, it's you, you and only you.

When I think of you...
I feel loved and I feel blessed.
and all my worries come to rest.

When I think of you.....

Shivoham

Shivoham
I was once listening to a cd - a recording of someone's "pravachan" or discourse.
I dont know his name, but what he said, made a lot of sense to me.

He said - we must be honest. We must be natural. We must be how nature has inended us to be. In trying to bocome something, or like someone, we move away from what we are, and we move away from the truth, we move towards dishonesty or rather inauthenticity. The more we move away, the more alienated we become, and feel lost.

He quoted an example - to 'Bhagwan Mahaveer Jain' ,- nudity came naturally. it was not planned, it was not an outcome of any effort, it was not intended by him. A bush of thorns tugged away his last peice of clothing - a torn sheet. And he said - 'so be it' and accepted his current state - nudity. He accepted it and became comfortable with it...and made no efforts to change it. Now, taking on nudity, forcing it upon oneself, is not the same..is not natural...and will not lead one to the same path as him.

Come to think of it, we become Jains or Buddhists or Christians or Almanites or ....and so on..but we forget to be ourselves. We drown ourselves in rituals ,symbols, signs, pretences and live in a false notion that all of this will lead us to the ultimate...whatever that is. These great beings, Jesus Christ, or Mahaveer Jain, or Lord Krishna, or Gautam Buddha, had known truth maybe, and they tried to show us the way. But we have made them the destination. They pointed a finger towards something, something beyond them - we refuse to see that and have caught the finger and refuse to see beyond , refuse to let go of the finger and walk the path shown by them.

Somehow, I can never subscribe to a particular "ism" , or become a follower, or worship. There is something that is just not there in me, which leaves me incapacitated to "worship" or totally "surrender to one"(though sometimes I have wished I could). Yes I pray for their blessings and energies , I wish to learn, take lessons, and move on my own path, free and unburdened. I feel closer to myself this way. :-).

Samay

"Samay"
I had heard my Grandfather say many a times, in different situations, "Samay bahut balwan hota hai" (Time is very powerful).
Now, I have experienced it.
Time is the mightiest.
Time alone can heal.
Time is the greatest teacher.
Time is the most effective solution to almost any problem.
Time is the only constant - and it changes every second - every nano second.

In most complicated matters of life, that I have not been able to effectively handle, time alone has set things right and gently guided me into doing the right thing.
With time, I have realised things, with time I have made better decisions, with time, I have learnt the value of certainthings, with time I have changed.

Time/Life really has its own way.

Many a times, I have experienced life (or call it whatever, superpower, God etc etc) communicate with me. Drop hints, give me a sign, or gently prod me into doing something that I would not have otherwise. I have had people come into my life at particular times and then fade away from my life naturally. After they are gone, I have found myself thinking that they were Godsent at that time. They had given me just what I needed then. They had shown me the way, or eased away some pain, or changed me in some way - for the better.
Sometimes I have found answers in TOI daily horoscopes, or in advertisements, or in some newspaper article etc. I have often been accidently hit by just what I needed at that point.

Have you ever, felt time?
I have. I cannot explain how, but lets say I have sometimes become very aware of it. Its a strange feeling.
I sometimes want to surrender to it. At other times I want to fight it.
I have wished I had a remote control to fast forward or rewind. :-)

I never believed in astrology or the concept of good time, bad time etc.
I may still not believe in a lot of those things, though, I am tempted to believe in some of those things.

I have realised that like seasons of the earth, we too have seasons in our life. Our very own seasons.
When autumn sets in, whatever you do, trees will shed leaves, flowers will dry and fall. Winter will be cold no matter what. Fighting it wont help. Denying it will not take away the cold.
And when winter turns into spring, it is miraculous. :-) All things become bright and beautiful, automatically, without any effort, without any doing. Sometimes winter is longer than usual. sometimes there are enough warm clothes, sometimes no logs for a fire. Some springs are better than the previous ones. But seasons change. Time moves on.

Its springtime for me now, and I hope it lasts long, real long...long enough to last forever. :-).

Letters From a Father to his daughter

Letters from a father to his daughter.

- Jawaharlal Nehru.
A very interesting book.
I travelled millions of yrs in time with his letters. Right from the time of formation of our earth,..to the Ice age...the Pre-historic times..understanding evolution of life on this earth....to the evolution of man - to the stone age- the beginning to civilizations...development of races, languages, countries, cultures etc...
These letters were written to his 10 years old daughter. He wanted her to understand and appreciate many things..
like why people of different countries look different ? why are there different races...and what does it mean to us...
why are there different languages? different religions?..
why do we have money? why kings? why classes? why rich and poor? ...
and many other things
I wish he had written more such letters....
I did not know that most people of Europe, Northern India..and some other regions...though they differ so much from each other ...are really descended from the same ancestors - the Aryans. ?
And that the languages - Sanskrit, German, Italian, Greek, English, and French, are all cousins and belong to the same Aryan family?
and I learnt many more such interesting things.... :-)
A good book - is such a treat.